I wish love were as definitive as black and white, but it seems love in its nature cannot be ruled one without the other.
For some love needs to be objective and for some it needs to be felt. For some it’s a mixture of both. A combined sum of all of its parts.
How can we be objective about love at times when we have this feeling inside whether it’s right or wrong for us, a feeling hard to put into words.
How can love be just feelings, without objectivity you lose a sense of reality and perspective. It’s never healthy to lose one’s self in a relationship for what binds two together are two whole selves. For in that path it is a personal choice by each rather than a choice out of fear or blindness of lust.
Maybe the black represents the mind. White represents the expansive space of feelings.
The black a place capable of compartmentalizing, seperating, no flexibility for feelings to really have weight on its influence. It is the thing we use to observe and determine and it is the place where decisions are made based on fact and things that are tangible.
The white represents our heart. Ever expansive, ever adaptive, ever abundant. You cannot always rationalize love, sometimes you just have to feel it. It’s the place that rules our instincts, an environment that nurtures the things our minds cannot wrap around.
We cannot have true love without both. Our is it a matter of finding the person who is governed by the same as you whether it’s the mind or heart. For love without the mind can cause love to die without cause. The feelings can subside and without valued information attach can fade. For love without the heart, can be cold place. A place devoid of connection and meaning. The heart brings warmth to words. It brings light to touch.
Love is the grey area, where sometimes it gets lost or found. It can be overwhelmed or exhausted by the heart and mind and yet it can flourish and grow.
The grey at times represents the problem and the solution.
I was really fucking hoping to write to find clarity in my own grey arena. Usually I end up answering my own question.
I’ve been writing and rewriting hoping to see something and yet have not come to a conclusion. Maybe love is suppose to be grey after all. Maybe love can’t be broken down into the simplicity of black and white. Maybe this grey forces us out of our own comfortably of latching on to either black or white.
Maybe in the grey area it’s suppose to do exactly what it does. In my journey of love, it’s never been clear for I could find always a reason not to love and I could always feel the things I need to feel and not feel.
This grey it seems to only lead to a place of commitment and not just in a matrimonial sense but a commitment of choice.
I can sit here and rationalize all day how I feel and the pros and cons, but when I sit back and let my heart do the explaining it wants to throw itself blindly in to see what happens.
I still have not come to a conclusion. Maybe in this grey I’ll be reminded or learn something new about myself. Maybe in this grey I’ll be able to see the black and white soon enough again. Maybe in this grey it will force me too choose whether to follow my heart or mind.
Maybe in this grey it forces you to choose in general. It forces you to be pro-active.
I wonder how I’ve attracted this confusion and this grey area in my life. Is there a place inside me that is reflected in his confusion? Is there a place in me that isn’t fully ready to commit? But is there ever really the right time to commit?
I guess when I look at my actions, maybe I have held back at times. Does that mean I’m not ready though? I feel ready, but it seems there’s things I still have to learn and move through, I guess that is what relationships are suppose to do. Force you to look at yourself and will bring up things that only an intimate relationship can.
I know how I feel about him, but yet I hold back for fear of lack of reciprocity. We have been dealt cards and each has our own hand that we’re dealing with. Neither of us has yet to decide to go first.
Maybe it’s time for me to be proactive and lay all my cards down and see how this game goes.